went youtube to search for "Is he the one" tarot card. The result is... No.. The tarot cards encourage us to walk away, as he is not the one for me. And the one for me will appear in a year time...So.. is it they have decided for me.. Is it... he got the answer for me...

Somehow, i feel i should just walk away, but i am still trying to hold on. At least, i made an effort... right?

Oh welll...

Always wanted to... but it is kind of lazy to switch on my laptop to write about it uh..

Every relationship doesn't go well....

Z n now.. K.

Because of J case, i always think K is the one for me. He is the one who walk down the red carpet with me.. He will be the father of my kids. He will take care of me.. He will be a good dad.. But.. deep down, i know he does not love me anymore. Because... i am weird...because... i have bad temper.. because.. i am selfish...because.. i am lazy. i don make effort for him, i have weird mindset. 

or perhaps.... because i don wan to give him s. I have never tell anyone about this because it's quite embarrassing. Something i always thought it should be a good thing, but ended up.. becoming a problem to our relationship.

I saw him using dating app a few weeks ago.. i know he making me as a backup plan. He did say before, he won't be able to find any other girls because he does not make the first move. But i know u will when u manage to find someone comfortable n u like. You will make the first move... because... you love her n does not want to lose her... You no longer give in, you felt annoyed, you don understand because you don't love me anymore.. It is kind of hard to find a new girl so you downloaded dating app? 

yea, one night. I told him... perhaps he should try to make new friends as a singles. i don't want him to regret. I told him i gave him chance till 31 Dec 2021, and if he can't i will alwalys be there for him.  I will still regard him as my bf even till 31 Dec. Why so stupid? i could have just break up with him, there is no happiness with someone who don't even love me...But, i feel things might change when we are married... after i gave him s. He said this will make him a happy man, he will be very happy and give me whatever i want... He will love me a lot more.. Which i believe he will because his first love language is touch.... He agree, not sure has he started going out with girls...

Is this really what i want? i don't know... i really don know. Can the god tell me if we will be together. I will hold on to my love for him.. but am i wastign my time... I hope he comes back... to realise... there is a girl stil waiting for him.. who still loves him.. But... i am really scared he will meet someone better than me.. and.. i believe he will... Such ironic.....5 more months.. time will tell.. If he doesn't come back.... nope.. i shouldn't be pesstimistic. He will be back:))))

Have not been sleeping well, asked him another question today. should we not contact a while so that we can start afresh? perhaps our impression of one another will change too! He agrees. 

Sometimes, i don't know why am i so sure that he is the one though i know i am still the same even without him. 

Maybe cos of the marriage age? Yea, my happiness doesn't come from me... Used to be.. but after telling him so much, after so much quarrel. i told myself not to talk on phone with him, no point ranting to him.. shoudn't talk too much... Hence, i change my happiness to things i do.. playing piano...Gg out with friends. etc etc........

contradicitng much, but at least i have a firm answer.